Her Guy Harps on Her Past
Q: I've been dating a great guy for almost 2 years. We're pretty serious in that we talk about future plans together. I can easily see myself married to him. The problem is when we become intimate. I shared with him that I experimented a little sexually in college, with a woman. I enjoyed the brief relationship for what it was, we ended it with not too many hard feelings, and I chalked it up to a life experience. In the heat of passion, he brings it up. A few weeks go by, and he brings it up again. I explained it's nothing I'm interested in, plus I have no need to revisit it. Once we get past the quick discussion, the sex is good and fulfilling, but he can't seem to move forward. I love him and everything about him but I'm not sure how to put an end to this topic.- Sylvia, 34
Dr. Susan: Your guy's inability to stop bringing up your past experiment with a woman may be a sign of his own insecurity. Just as you're starting to go at it hot and heavy, some doubt about his own masculinity, his own technique perhaps, gets set off in his mind.
Have you tried going a little further than saying it was no big deal? Perhaps you could make a point of telling him that being with him is so much better than being with anyone else of any gender. That he's super in bed. Perhaps that it's a bit of a turnoff when he brings up old relationships either of you has had. Also, though you have no need to revisit that experience, he may still have questions about it. Answer them. And if that doesn't get him to relax, the two of you might need help figuring out if something else is going on.
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Advice for Her
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.