Is He Just Using Her?
Q: I'm hanging out with a guy who's really attracted to me, but he made it clear that he doesn't want anything steady. He likes getting together after he's had a night out with the guys. He doesn't ask me in advance and calls me late at night to see if he can come over. I want to see him, so I say yes, rather than play games and say no. But I feel like he's playing games with me by only calling for hookups. I keep hoping he will see how great we are together and take it up to a relationship level. Am I being too nice and expecting too much? Should I just say no the next time he calls and see what he does then? - Reece, 45
Dr. Susan: Your hope that he will change his behavior is unfounded. He isn't playing games. He's asking for what he wants (hook-ups with no relationship). You keep saying yes to what anyone can see are his outrageous impromptu requests to come over late at night. Just say no. Not to see what he does, because he'll just ask more insistently or else look elsewhere for his physical kicks. If a relationship begins this way, it usually only goes downhill from there. If you want more, find another guy.
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.