Is Boyfriend Gay?
Q: I've been dating this guy for a little while now, and he is everything wonderful. The one problem is that when we were just starting to date, he told me that he is bisexual. I think he had homosexual sex and I know that to be a dangerous activity. We haven't had sex yet, because I am 21 and a virgin. This entire situation is too weird for me. I have this feeling that if he weren't dating me, he would be happier with himself, because he would finally know who he is: a very wonderful gay man. I wish this weren't something that worried me so much, but I'm not comfortable having sex with a man who wishes I weren't a woman. -- Katie
Dr. Susan: Have you discussed your concerns with this wonderful man? The core of any good relationship is honesty and transparency. Yet here you are worried that he wishes you were someone else. Plus you're afraid to have sex with him because he might be infected from some previous sexual experiences. The fact is that he could be dating you for all kinds of reasons. Maybe he's trying out a relationship with a woman for the first time and isn't necessarily intending to stick with it for the long haul. Maybe he's bisexual, as he told you, but he's willing to commit to one sex and one person if the right person comes along. Or maybe not. Perhaps by telling you he is bisexual when you first began dating, he was letting you know that he intended to keep his options open indefinitely. Before you decide whether to turn your current pleasant friendly relationship into something more sexual and potentially more problematic, sit down with him and have a real talk. Bottom line: If it feels weird to you, it wouldn't be wise to move to the next step without clearing the air.
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Advice for Her
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.