Treats Her Like A Yo-Yo
Q: I have been seeing this guy for a year. When we first met, he and his wife were separated, and just two months ago they got back together. He said I pushed him to her because of my attitude, but now he says he stays because of the kids. He still calls me and texts me even when she is right there. He tells me he loves me and that he is not happy with her. And it seems no matter how hard I try, I still want to be with him and I take all of this. So my question is how do I let go, and do you think that he's lying to me when he says he loves me and wishes he could be with me? -- Julie, 30
Dr. Susan: Who cares if he's lying? Any guy who calls his girlfriend in the presence of his wife is a selfish jerk. If you keep taking all this back-and-forth behavior of his, he'll keep on dishing it out. This way he gets to have the illicit thrill of keeping in touch with you while pretending he's putting his marriage and children first. What hypocrisy! I can't imagine what he meant by saying your attitude is what pushed him back to his wife. That's sheer nonsense. If he's not happy with her, and won't put forth a sincere effort to make his marriage work, even if supposedly just for the sake of his children, then he should be honest with her and begin divorce proceedings. He probably does wish he could be with you some of the time, but we all make choices. Your choice is whether to continue demeaning yourself by letting him dangle you on a yo-yo string. Consider saying good-bye and not having any contact with him for three months. Yes, it will be a very long three months for you, but at the end of that, perhaps your feelings for him will have let up a little and you can begin seeking someone who truly values you. Also, by that time, he may know whether his marriage is a go or not. Meanwhile, he mustn't be allowed to think he can have you both at the same time.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.