Needs Flirting Help
Q: I met this really cute, sweet transfer student the first day in class this semester. We've hung out and call each other often. I definitely flirt with him and it seems like he flirts with me back but I'm not sure. He's one of the types that is hard to read and I just don't know if he wants to just be friends or is he looking for more? Chloe, 20
Dr. Susan: Chloe, let me tell you something about the male of the species: unless they already have a mate, men never just want to be friends, at least until they've ruled out the possibility of "more," or on those rare occasions when they simply find you ugly (which is not very common).
Men overestimate whether women are sexually coming on to them when the women only mean to be friendly. So that if a woman smiles in a friendly way, most men will take that as an invitation. On the other hand, it's typical for women to underestimate men's sexual interest in them. If this cute guy is hanging out with you, calling you, and seems to be flirting back -- and is definitely not pulling back when you obviously flirt with him -- it's almost certain he's "interested" in you in exactly the way you want him to be.
Keep doing what you're doing, and then, if he doesn't make the first move to escalate the relationship, try something yourself: brush his hand lightly and see what happens. Or invite him to a movie that's come up in conversation ("Hey, why don't we catch that one together?"). At least you'll learn something from his reaction. He might be enjoying your friendship so much that he hasn't allowed himself to consider that you might actually want more. But since he's a transfer student, it's just possible he's got a girlfriend elsewhere. I'd check that out casually in conversation before getting too carried away.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.