Wants Sex, But Not With Hubby
Q: I have been married for 14 years, but over the last year or so, I have been fantasizing about sex with other men. Most of the time they don't have a face or I choose one from the latest romance novel I've been reading. My husband is a great guy but he works too hard and travels too much. I have never been all that interested in sex until recently, but even now I don't desire it with him. I find myself wanting to watch erotic movies by myself. Why do I feel this way? -- Katie, 41
Dr. Susan: Didn't you know that a woman's sex drive peaks right around your age, Katie? Actually, mid-thirties to mid-forties is a high-libido time for many women. Men, of course, are known to peek in their teens, which is just another of nature's jokes. Anyway, here you are, for the first time really interested in your sexuality, and your fuddy-duddy of a husband is too busy working and traveling even to notice. Not uncommon! None of what you're now doing--the fantasizing, romance-novel reading, and erotic-film watching--is likely to harm anyone, but if you could apply all that steamy energy to your erotic relationship with your husband, you both might really get a kick out of it. Have you hinted to him, or better yet, told him outright, that you're having feelings you didn't used to have, and you want him to find time to help you explore them? Not specifically desiring it with him doesn't necessarily mean you wouldn't enjoy having it with him, especially if you clued him into what you like, and he was the type to pay attention. Watching those movies with him, in fact, could be a boon to your joint sex life. At least give him the chance to capitalize on your newly increased interest. It probably won't last at this rate forever.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.