Q: I have been seeing this guy now for about five months. We met through an online dating site. Two months ago, I looked up his ad. To my surprise, he still had his ad on, and it indicated he was active recently. He claimed not to know it was still on. Riding on my instincts, I soon checked the site again and saw his ad was gone. But I decided to check two other popular sites and saw his ad posted, active, and with new pictures. He tried to play dumb and again claimed to not realize blah blah blah. I asked him outright to just tell me if he enjoyed flirting or something, but he said nothing. Two weeks after that, I figured out his password to log onto all the personal sites. And to my surprise, he just hid his profiles on those sites, but did not discontinue his activities on them and seemed to be sending free winks and emails still. I confronted him and he apologized and then admitted that he guessed he liked the flirting but now it would stop. Since he has changed his password to something I will surely never figure out, how do I know he is finally being truthful with me, when he wasn't able to all those times before? -- Terry, 36
Dr. Susan: You want me to tell you that you can trust him now? Sorry, no can do. I once knew a guy who kept his ads up permanently. After denying he'd done it on purpose (just like your guy), he finally admitted, "I love first-time sexual encounters." Even if your guy is just "flirting," it's unethical, dishonorable, cheating, and totally bad news. What kind of relationship could you possibly continue to have if you're worried about not being able to figure out his password so you can spy on him? I suppose if you really think you have a good thing going despite his repeated lies, you could ask him to share his password with you. He won't do that, because he's not ready for a monogamous relationship. Not that he isn't allowed some privacy, but in this age of sexually-related diseases, anything non-monogamous is dangerous to your health. Not to mention your peace of mind. Ditch him.
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.