Still Attached to Ex
Q: I recently left my boyfriend after I found he was having conversations with his ex-wife. They exchanged emails and phone calls for several months in which he asked her to marry him again. And then suddenly, in one email, she finally agreed. The same day that I read this, I left. But I'm four months pregnant and now I wonder if I'm crazy. Is it possible that ex-partners have these types of conversations and don't mean it? They were married for 13 years and have 4 children. They have been divorced for 8 years. Just want to make sure I'm not crazy. -- Vicki, 38
Dr. Susan: I don't know how common it is for a man to ask to remarry his wife after eight years of divorce, after first getting his new girlfriend pregnant. I'm sure it probably does happen, and no, you're not crazy to be extremely upset. I also don't blame you for leaving, but maybe, for the sake of your future and that of your baby, you ought to insist on seeing a lawyer and a therapist together. First, to find out his obligations toward his child for the next 18 years or so, and second, to see if whatever screw is loose in his head can be tightened a bit. Men sometimes (probably often) have fantasies of other women when their partners are pregnant. Your boyfriend is not thinking clearly and must be imagining that going back to his old life (former wife, four kids) would be somehow better for him than committing to a new one with you and your baby. You have some hard thinking to do, but if he is determined to continue wooing his ex, you need to protect your own interests.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.