He Wants Kid Before Marriage
Q: I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. I believe we are both very much in love. I'm a divorced woman with a child. My boyfriend is single, never married, no kids. We're both 35, and due to some serious infertility issues, we would have to do IVF. I want to have his baby but I'd want to get married first. He doesn't want to because he says it would be very difficult to be married with me since I already have my own kid and he would have none. I feel like he's constantly conditioning our relationship, with many "ifs." He says he wants to compromise but doesn't know how. If I'm going to have a baby I should do it now, but I don't want to do it "his" way. -- Angie, 35
Dr. Susan: "His" way? Wait a minute! What kind of love is that? If you marry, your existing child will become a big part of his life, and you'd think that after three years with you, he would have become somewhat attached to that child. To go through the challenge of IVF with a boyfriend who is full of "ifs" is risky.
Follow your gut instinct here and don't have a baby until you're happily married and ready to take on whatever comes together. What if you did do IVF and what resulted wasn't a perfect child? Or he changed his mind about getting married, seeing how hard the early months of parenting are? No, this fellow doesn't love you enough. It's hard to hear that biological clock ticking so loudly, but you have some time left. Unless you want to be the single mother of a newborn, you have to set the rules for your future relationship.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.