Why is Sex So Blah?
Q: I love my husband to death, yet I just don't find sex attractive anymore. My husband wants sex all the time, and I just don't feel like having sex anymore. How can I get back in the mood? What is wrong with me? -- Lucy, 31
Dr. Susan: Nothing is wrong with you, unless something is wrong with you. By that I mean, have you had a recent medical checkup? At your age, your hormones ought to be supplying you with some zip in the sexual arena. Have you recently had a baby? That can dull libido for many months for some women. Has the lovemaking routine of you and your husband become nothing BUT a routine? Maybe it's time to change something (not your partners). You need to discuss this with your husband, and neither of you should be blaming the other. Is he open to doing a little reading about how to liven up your sex life? Maybe you need a change of scene, maybe you're harboring resentments of one kind or another without even realizing it, or maybe you need something as simple as a lubricant.
By the way, your complaint is very common, at any age. Sometimes couples find it works to be intimate whenever (or nearly whenever) the high-libido partner wants it, BUT to proceed in the way the lower-libido partner prefers. Often, just going along with "getting started" can rev up your own engine. Especially if you know you won't be judged inadequate if all you can feel is affection this time, not sizzle.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.