He Treats Her Badly
Q: I am involved in a strange affair with a man I met online. I'm 48, and he's 52. He bugged me a lot to meet him and I finally agreed and invited him to my place and we SLEPT together that first night. No intercourse. Since then, though, he's never asked me out, bought a gift or a card, and rarely calls except to come over once or twice a week for sex. He usually needs Viagra. Does he treat me like this because I'm a large woman or ?? He has 2 ex-wives and 1 ex-girlfriend, 3 kids and 6 grandkids, and works full-time. I was married once for 6 years, no kids and no ex baggage. By now, I wish he'd simply left me alone. What can I do, if anything, to make this better for me? -- Sara
Dr. Susan: This guy is getting his needs met, so why should he treat you better? Unfortunately for you, you have a few more needs than he does. You'd like to be treated like a person, not a call girl. Fair enough.
Before I go further, let me assure you that his cheesy behavior has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you're a large woman. But your feelings about your appearance may be causing you to "settle" for someone who treats you poorly. (Lots of men use pills to enhance their potency, so I wouldn't necessarily take that personally. He must enjoy being with you or he wouldn't show up that often.)
The way I see it, you have two options. Option one is to tell him good-bye and find a better match. Option two is to tell him you want to start having a little fun outside the bedroom. Then take the initiative the first time and choose something you'd like to do or some place you'd like to go with him. If he doesn't go along gracefully and show you a good time, and he doesn't then start taking at least a little initiative in that direction himself, I'm afraid your best bet would be to go back to option one.
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Advice for Her
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.