His Wife Enjoys a Three-Way
Q: I have what most men dream of, but it is tough to keep things straight in my head. I have been married for 12 years to my best friend, the most wonderful woman in the world. About 6 months ago I was contacted by another woman that we both know. She had been through some tough times, and we started talking. I told my wife every time we talked, and I asked her if we could help her out a little. My wife was all for it.
Then this other woman told me that she had not been with a man for more than 2 years and wondered if I would be interested. I told her I could never do that to my wife. In fact, when I later told my wife about this, much to my surprise, she was OK with it. So for the past 6 months, I see this other woman a couple times a month, and my wife and I have taken her out to dinner. Sometimes the girls go shopping or out to dinner together.
The problem is this: I love my wife, but I have fallen madly in love with this other woman. She is all I think about, I want to be with her all the time, and I will do almost anything to be with her. We all three love each other, but my wife has no idea how much I now love this other woman. What can I do to keep this situation from blowing up and someone, or all of us, from getting hurt? — Jeffrey, 58
Dr. Susan: If you love your wife so much, and she's been such a good sport about sharing you, you owe it to her to let her know that things have turned in a direction neither of you had anticipated. Just realize that the new woman is new. Our bodies tend to take our usual mates for granted after a while. And then the novel stimulus becomes ever so exciting. The weirdness and secrecy of it all makes it even more compelling.
Sit down with this best friend of yours and tell her the truth, that your feelings for the other woman are getting out of hand and you don't want to hurt anyone. Then, together, see if you can't determine your options. My advice is to let go of this other woman. She needs to find her own life. You need to stop feeding your obsession with her. Otherwise you're going to lose your wife. And then you'll probably lose the new woman, as well. Minimize the hurt by stopping this charade now.
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.