No Sex for Him Lately
Q: My wife never seems to want sex anymore. I have to go out of my way to make her happy and do special things for her if I want a chance of getting some. She used to want to be together all the time. We were crazy for each other! Now if I try to get her into the bedroom, she acts like I'm bothering her and asking for something bad. What happened? How can I get her to want to spend time with me? What's wrong with her? This is not how I thought marriage was supposed to be! - Jason, 47
Dr. Susan: I hate this question. It supports all the stereotypes of men always wanting sex and women no longer wanting it after a while. There is some truth there, unfortunately. It can be quite a challenge for a woman whose desire has lessened over time to act like the sexy young chick she used to be. But think back. Maybe part of the reason she wanted to be with you all the time was that you never resented doing happy-making things for her. You wanted to please her, and her pleasure converted to desire. Now things are more humdrum.
For one thing, she (with your help) can find a nice way for her to refuse, one that doesn't make you feel like a bad boy. For another, has she been medically checked out? She may be around the age of menopause, when changes in her body can make intimacy less pleasant. It could be time for the two of you to refresh your bedroom behavior. Finally, be sure she isn't harboring some resentment toward you, from whatever cause. That's a major intimacy squasher. It's time for some frank non-blaming conversation.
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.