Feeding Him a Line
Q: I met this girl six months ago, and we became very close, though nothing happened between us until she broke up with her boyfriend. Then his father became very ill and the old boyfriend leaned on her for support and she got confused. She asked me to wait until she had sorted out this mess. I thought this was admirable. After all, a loving kind person is what we all want, isn't it? We continued to see each other, but I gave her space and trusted her. We swapped presents, and then on Christmas Day, she phoned me at my parents to say how much she missed me and wished she was with me. A few days later, I popped over to her house without calling (I'd lost my mobile) at 8 a.m. He was there -- in bed with her.
According to him, they have never split up. I feel so betrayed. I have also found out that a couple of months ago she went on holiday with him. Since then I have totally ignored her. I want answers, but she has lied to me for the last six months and is still denying the truth. Should I listen to what she has to say? -- Jackson
Dr. Susan: Only if you want to be lied to some more. If she were to give you an honest answer, you'd learn that she initially fell for you while she was still deeply involved with the other fellow, and then figured she'd lie to both of you and keep you both on a string at the same time. It worked for a while, didn't it? Apparently it didn't matter to her that she broke a couple of hearts in the process. For future reference, where you may have gone wrong was to step back when she said she had to help her ex because his father was ill. Uh-uh. If they were really broken up, it was no longer her place to be his support person. You didn't know her well enough to trust her THAT much. If there's any justice in the world, she's lost both of you now. She's the opposite of the loving kind person you were hoping for.
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Advice for Her
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.