Silly Sex Games
Q: I recently began dating a woman in her late 30s. My first sexual approach was waved off, so it was make-out city and nothing more. It was like high school all over again, and not in any good way. I'm too old for this (45). It hurts my motor to go so slow. Very surprising too, since we've had a long, sexually-charged conversation along the lines of "What are you saving it for?!?" Perhaps she's just not sure about me? I dislike these silly girlish games. -- James
Dr. Susan: What was the upshot of this "long conversation?" Does she have a "not on the first ten dates" rule? Is it that she's really not sure of you yet and only sleeps with someone if he has real "serious" potential? Do you really feel it's a game she's playing? That would not be good, but don't assume it's a game. Some women just don't sleep around. If you really like her, and see some serious potential there, you may as well come right out and ask her about her sexual philosophy, like does she have rules about this sort of thing or is she just waiting until it "feels right" to her, or what? No pressure in your question, just honest vulnerability. Let her know you would love to sleep with her. Does she think that might happen eventually? And try not to be so dismissive of her courting behavior. What you call "silly girlish games" might be what she considers appropriate flirting. Many women think it's their job to arouse tensions in the early days, not to relieve them.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.