Doomed to Celibacy?
Q: I live in a small town where it seems everyone smokes and/or drinks heavily. I don't drink, smoke or use drugs. Never have, never will. I don't like to go out to the local "watering holes," since they are all too smoky for me and I don't really like being around people who are drinking. I'm 35 years old, I try to stay healthy and I'm not overweight (5'10", 160 lbs.). I've tried living in a bigger city, but I really like the small-town life. It seems like all the healthy women (nonsmokers who don't outweigh me) are already married to someone else.
I've tried all the online singles sites I can find, and I'm tired of wasting my money only to be told "there are no matches within 100 miles." Though I'm definitely not the most handsome guy, more like Tom Hanks than Tom Cruise, I'm honest, intelligent, I have a great sense of adventure and love to travel. Everywhere I go, women say they want to know where all the good guys are, but aren't interested in us when they find one. So am I doomed to a celibate life? -- Ike
Dr. Susan: You say you really like "the small-town life." But what does that entail? You don't sound as though you really fit into this particular small town, where everyone smokes or drinks, and all of the non-heavy women are already married. Are you doomed to celibacy at age 35? Yes, if you're not willing to make some changes. Do you hate bigger cities so much that you'd forever give up the chance of finding an intimate partner? There's nothing like a big city for expanding your opportunities. You might even connect with a woman who also dreams of small-town life. You do sound like a nice guy, but if you're expecting magical answers to your quandary, forget it. You have to go where the unattached women are. If sex and love are a priority for you, move - at least for a few years while you're still somewhat of a catch. Otherwise, all you can do is hang in there and wait for the acceptable women's husbands to begin dying off.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.