He Does All the Work
Q: I met a nice woman (she's mid-40s and I'm 50), and we've been out a few times, had good conversations and (her idea) have not gone far physically. I'm pretty sure she's interested, but I NEVER hear from her unless I initiate contact. No e-mail, no phone calls, nothing, unless I go first. If I'm not mistaken, this is the 21st century and phone lines go in both directions. Am I just being insensitive to a possibly old-fashioned woman? She seems very modern and cosmopolitan in every other sense. What do you think? How do I approach this? -- Connor, 50
Dr. Susan: Have you asked her directly but uncomplainingly? Like: How come you never call or e-mail me? Are you seeing other guys too? But keep in mind that you may have set the pattern because you're such a quick caller and e-mailer yourself. So she doesn't have time or need to initiate, since you're doing all the work and seem to be content that way. I see your concern: Are your growing feelings reciprocal? She may be in less of a hurry than you to move things along. Not because she doesn't like you, but because she's less needy to partner up in a more committed way, or because she's behaving like she used to the last time she dated a couple decades ago. You need to get a few more of her cards on the table. There aren't any hard-and-fast rules for dating anymore. If you feel out of sync and you like her a lot, bring up the subject but don't pressure her.
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.