Stuck as "Just Friends"?
Q: There is this girl that I started talking to, and when we started "dating" we both said that we didn't want a relationship. Well, I couldn't help but fall for her. I am shy and didn't kiss her until like 3 weeks of hanging out and I think that pushed her away because she didn't feel like I liked her. A few days after I finally kissed her, we had a talk and became just "friends." But my feelings for her are way more than just friends. Should I try to get her back? -- David, 18
Dr. Susan: You never really had her in the first place, David. What a weird situation: When you began dating, you both didn't want a relationship, and then you think that by kissing her you gave her the impression you didn't like her. Surely something's wrong with this picture. I think neither of you knows yet how to have a genuine relationship. The fact is that you can't know when you begin dating whether something is going to turn into "something," or whether you'll discover that friendship is the most you can both hope for. Right now, I'd suggest talking with her again and doing your best to determine if she truly only wants friendship, or if she's pulling back because she feels you're pulling back. If she admits she simply doesn't feel "that way" about you and doesn't expect those feelings to change, and in fact she wants to see other fellows, then you don't have much choice but to move on. Next time, try not to begin relationships with such negative thoughts and feelings.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.