Takes Time to Trust
Q: I have been in and out of a relationship now for a little over two years. Just this last month I have gotten serious. I still have trust issues because there was cheating on both sides. I fear sometimes that he has not changed, although he hasn't done anything that I know of to hurt me. I know that I want to be with him and I know that he has to have a life. Everything was going ok, and now he has gotten a job in another city. He will remain here training and after three months he will go to that city. I have a lot of trust issues to get through. He says that I have been thinking about this way too much and I should occupy my time because I work on the weekends and have all week free. When he gets this job he will be off on the weekend and work during the week. He says that we will try to spend time together when we can but I know how he is. I can barely get him to come see me now and he is only 10 minutes away. But he will be an hour an a half away when he moves. I cannot move because I am starting school and I like my job right now. What should I do? -- Erik, 24
Dr. Susan: He's right, and so are you. You need to keep yourself busier so you won't miss him so much, but if you can't get enough of him now when you're living so close, it's not likely you'll be getting your intimacy needs met when he lives and works quite a bit further away. And if you don't trust him now, imagine how much less you'll trust him when he's not nearby. I know that's exactly what you are imagining! I'd suggest playing it by ear for the three months he's still in your vicinity, while trying not to let yourself get too serious. The outlook is not all that bright for this relationship being able to survive the mileage between you. You'd be so much better off if you found someone whose togetherness needs more matched your own.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.