He Cheated. Did She?
Q: I cheated on my wife! She found out and we are going through counseling, but I caught her online looking for sex. I am 95% sure she went and met someone, but she won't tell me. Things are going better between us, so should I just stop trying to get her to tell me? Or should I tell her I know something happened because things she told me about that day don't add up. -- Jack, 36
Dr. Susan: Let's hope your wife didn't have a revenge affair, since such things hardly ever accomplish anything positive. What you both need to do to save your marriage is to be totally honest with one another from now on. Even if you try to let go of your suspicions, you may not be able to. Can you let her know that you won't hit the ceiling if she tells you the truth, that you understand that her hurt from your own affair was what might have led her to try to even things out? It's good that you're seeing a counselor together. Bring up your suspicions there, including that events on "that day" don't add up. Then spend some time on the crux of the problem, which is that you cheated on her first. What are you doing to regain her trust? Avoid blaming her for your own mistake. The more you're willing to take responsibility for your own betraying of her trust, the more she may be willing to open up to you. Good luck!
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.