Doesn't Turn Her On
Q: I've been with this girl for a year and three months now. At the beginning we had an amazing sex life, but then out of nowhere it just stopped. No sex, no foreplay. I finally sat her down and we talked about it. She told me I just don't turn her on anymore! This totally shocked me. I never expected her to say that. We love each other a lot, we've been through so much. I don't want to lose her but I don't think she's going to stay with me because of this. Is there any way I could save this relationship? How can I turn her on again? I desperately need some help! -- John, 26
Dr. Susan: The most sexually exciting part of most relationships lasts a couple of years before it starts to change, growing less intense with familiarity. Often it takes less time than that, as you've just found out. And sadly, one partner may turn off (and turn off more completely) before the other one does. You're not married and you have no kids, right? Neither of you was ready to make a long-term commitment, even though you say you've been through a lot together. So unless she WANTS you to turn her on again, which would take her cooperation and some initiative on her part, too, you're probably not going to be able to make it happen. Sounds like she was depending on you, and your newness, to make sex exciting for her in an instant and magical way. If she won't even participate in affectionate foreplay, that tells you something. She might even have someone else who's turning her on. If not now, then she will before very long. Sit her down again and talk this through.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.