Has He Been Played?
Q: My problem started 6 months ago. This girl was going out with some guy for a year, and he kept treating her like crap. One day she was crying about it and I helped her out and then we started talking about dating after she got over her boyfriend. She and her boyfriend broke up a few weeks later and I started to come into the picture. She would talk to me about her problems and I would comfort her. She would always call me and hang out and it was all about me and her. But we weren't going out. She kept telling my friends to tell me to ask her out. After a couple months, I finally asked her out and she said yes and we were now going out. She then took a trip to another state for about a month and when she came back, she said that she decided that she wanted to be single for a while and that I asked her out too soon. Months passed and she mostly ignores me. I think that I got played. Did she use me to comfort her and when she felt that she was over him, just stopped talking to me? And is there any way to get her back? -- Matt, 19
Dr. Susan: If by "getting played," you mean this girl knew all along that she was going to use you and dump you, then I don't think that's what happened here at all. You were a good listener when she needed someone to complain to about her boyfriend's lousy behavior toward her. And then she apparently felt attracted to you as more than a friend, so after she broke up with him, the two of you hung out in a different way for a while. While she was away for a month, she probably found she didn't miss you and didn't really want you as a boyfriend, or maybe she found herself attracted to other guys. So she told you she wasn't ready to date yet. It's one of the things a girl will say when she's free of one boyfriend but hasn't yet found the one she wants to replace him. She met you on the rebound, which really was too soon, and thus you were just an in-between relationship for her. If she's no longer talking to you, try not to be too angry. But you may as well look elsewhere for female company. You won't be getting her back.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.