Crush on a Straight Guy?
Q: I am a celibate gay man who lives with a straight friend. He is very accepting of things gay and a couple of times has said things that landed as mixed messages, such as, "I don't see why I can't be with a guy." He's also said that he doesn't want any negative energy to come between us. The other night he said good night to me in German: "Slausch gutt meine liebling" (Sleep well, my darling). He always has been straight and has slept with many women. I am attracted but have refused to "go there." I have lost some sleep over it and it has developed into a crush. I am clear on my gay identity and he is clear on his straight identity. What is the best way to handle what has turned into love? -- Jack, 43
Dr. Susan: Let's get this straight (even if you're not): a crush on a nearby person is not the same as love. I get it that you've developed erotic feelings for your roomie. And that such feelings readily turn obsessive. But you're going to have to make a choice, and quick: either turn your attentions elsewhere, or find a new roommate. He's obviously teasing you for the fun of it. Just playing with you without realizing or caring that he's actually causing you distress. So now it's your responsibility to save yourself from further pain and perhaps humiliation. Spend less time with him, and ignore rather than play along with the teasing for a while. You're gay, he's straight, and never the twain shall meet. If you do "meet," plenty of negative energy is likely to follow. Next time, find yourself a female roommate, preferably one who is exclusively attracted to women.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.