Q: I recently discovered that my wife was going to lunch and dinners with the real estate person who she thought listened to her and could help her get more clients. She deceived me for months until I confronted her with the evidence. Now she says she just loves me, But what should I do, forget the past or move on? -- Rob, 50
Dr. Susan: Neither. You don't ever simply "forget the past." You talk about it, you both try to understand what happened and why it happened and how to ensure it doesn't happen again. She will have to rebuild your trust in her, not simply say she loves you. Even if it was only lunches and dinners, think of it as an affair (whether it was "merely" an emotional affair or more). Expect it to take time to get over, and let her know how much her lying has hurt you. Leaving her doesn't have to be at the top of your list of options. Though a lot of couples build stronger marriages events like this, don't underestimate the pain you will both be going through. Above all, don't let her pooh-pooh your feelings.
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Advice for Her
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.