Is Your Ex Still in Bed with You?

Sleeping with that first new person after a break-up can be stressful. You thought you were totally over your ex, but, suddenly, you're faced with raw (and naked!) memories. Even if you're sure you don't want him or her back, it's often hard to shake those demons.

Why is your ex still haunting you sexually?

The sex was amazing.

You shared the most amazing sexual chemistry with your last partner (too bad you didn't share anything else). Your new lover is sweet and kind, but the sex just isn't as great. But before you bail on your new relationship, make sure you aren't idealizing your past. Be reasonable to your new partner; good lovin' takes time. It's not fair to compare your 200th time with an ex to your second time with someone new. If you're still having trouble, try to figure out what made things so great before — spontaneity? More foreplay? — and find ways to incorporate that into your new union.

The sex was awful.

If bad sex was a reason for your last break up, it makes sense that you might associate love making with feeling bored, frustrated or uncomfortable. But if you got a bruise snowboarding that wouldn't stop you from doing it, would it? It's not the act you need to avoid, just the bruises. Remind yourself — frequently — that your new lover isn't the old one. If you can't convince yourself, you may need to seek professional help to get over your bad association.

The sex was wild.

Find yourself missing the crazy times you had with your ex? That's okay, but keep your new partner's ego in mind before you speak up. Make sure you've established a good physical and emotional foundation before you spring your experimental ideas. Suggest a "new" position or idea as a fun thing to try together, not as something your ex always did.

The sex was dull.

Boring sex — like bad sex — can lead you to set the bar very low when it comes to future relationships. And unfortunately, that can become self-fulfilling prophecy. You'll wind up taking a passive role in your sexual relationships because of uncertainty or insecurity. Think back on your last relationship. What might have you done differently? Maybe suggested something new? Maybe agreed to trying something you were a little afraid to? Learn from those experiences and when a similar situation comes up with your new partner, act on what you know now.

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