Dumped & Depressed? Calculate How Long to "Mope"

If you've ever spent more time lamenting the end of a relationship than you were actually in that relationship, this equation is for you.

Though not to trivialize the gloom that descends when lovers part, it's a fact of life that at least one of them will dwell on it far longer than necessary. Take it from someone who used to mourn interminably and, thus, originated "The 5% Remedy:" Misery may love company, but the longer you forestall consigning yesterday's hurt to the archives box, the less time you'll have to enjoy tomorrow's fresh options.

Under this theory, one is entitled to feel badly about a lost love for no longer than 5% of the relationship's total duration. Even for those who are daunted by word/math problems, this 5% timeline is easy to calculate.

For instance:
Person A has been dating Person B for one year. Person B initiates the break-up and moves to Idaho, which is 650 miles away. (The 650 miles isn't important; I just wanted to see how many of you actually wrote it down.) Person A is inconsolable, buys two dozen eclairs, and starts moping.

Question: How long should Person A stay depressed?
Per the 5% solution, 1 year = 365 days or 366 if it is Leap Year. Let's say it is Leap Year because 366 is an even number and, thus, easier to work with. In addition, the break-up occurred during the evening of February 29th which, as you know, is the one day every four years when women can propose to men (which is just what Person A did).

"Yikes!" Person B responded, which probably wasn't the desired answer.

As we do the math, we discover that 5% of 366 is 18 days, or about 2-1/2 weeks. Accordingly, this is how long Person A is permitted to eat eclairs, wander the mall aimlessly, and bemoan being single again. Longer than that and one runs the risk of becoming an incessant whiner whom individuals much worthier than Person B will avoid like the plague.

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