The Non-Green Eater
I had been using one of those online dating sites and wasn't having much luck; 87 suitors … 312 different disorders. From "my mother comes over everyday to clean my sheets", to "I don't eat anything green", and of course, the dreaded forgetting they are 48 years old and saying 32 instead. So, here I was for coffee with a seemingly charming date. His emails were funny, held down a normal job, well educated, and then … utter disaster. "I don't eat anything green," he said. I ask, "not even a jolly rancher, a lime, a pickle????" Nothing! I thought to myself, "how could I have found yet another non-green eater? Was there a fiasco in 1980 that I missed involving lettuce attacking young children?" I had assumed at this point that the joke was on me. This man must have been a friend of the other non-green eater, whom I had dumped due to my love of food and his disgust at my food colorblindness. There are only so many times you can hear, "are you really going to eat that burger with a pickle and (gasp) lettuce?!?!?" Trying to hide my shock and paranoia that this date was nothing more than a friend's loyalty to save face for his dumped buddy, I continued on as usual. During that time, he name-dropped a familiar name … a girl I went to grammar school with. I made a mental note to search her out after the date. Three rounds of coffee later; we said our goodbyes and discussed another date. He really wasn't so bad, assuming I wasn't the brunt of a joke, and we had yet to have a meal. So, it was worthy of another date in my eyes. I rushed home and called the parents of this name-dropped friend (funny how those childhood numbers always stick with you). Just my luck, she was there for dinner! We chatted and caught up. Then I mentioned my reason for calling. I explained I had been on a blind date and needed to verify if she, in fact, knew this man and could substantiate whether or not he ate green food. So I said his name. Which she followed with a long pause. Did she not know him? If she knows him, does she not know how to break the truth to me, that he indulges in all things leafy and green? Finally, an answer, "Oh, I know him, and he doesn't eat anything green. (phew) But, I know him because I live with him. He's my boyfriend!" Out of this bizarre fiasco, I was reconnected with an old friend; she dumped his cheating butt (after the "take me back" whimpering and her laughter) and all's well that ends well in the land of green eaters.
— Meredith, 27