The Wizard

My friends offered to get me in touch with a dating agency. I'd not been out with a bloke for a while and I'm usually game for most things, so I agreed. A couple of days later, I got a letter through the post saying they'd found the perfect match for me; sweet, sensitive, rich and attractive. All the things I want in a guy. Naturally, I agreed. After all, I was apparently getting a date with a perfect man. We arranged to meet. When he arrived at my house, he seemed perfectly normal. We walked out of the apartment and into the car park where he had this really nice (and I mean REALLY) Spitfire Triumph (don't ask, my father was a car geek, vintage cars were his specialty). When we got to the restaurant, it was amazing. It was the best restaurant I've ever been to, it had a really nice atmosphere and he was really sweet, just like the "Dating Resume" had said. Then, when we got back to my place, I invited him in for "coffee" (it had been a REALLY good date) and he agreed, but first he ran back and got a bag from his car. This kind of freaked me, but he assured me it was just some overnight stuff he usually kept in the boot of his car in case he got totally smashed with his mates. This seemed (relatively) reasonable; after all, he is a man. So he got in, I made some coffee in the kitchen while he lay back on the sofa in the lounge. When I came back with the two coffees, he was stood in the middle of the room wearing an immense black cape, glasses and a big, pointy wizard's hat. On his forehead was a hastily drawn on lightning bolt and he was clutching an immensely large wooden penis in his hand. At which point, he shouted something about some magic level 3 eroticism combined with level 5 hard sex, while madly waving his "wand" in the air. All I could think to do was grab the closest implement at hand; I threw one mug of coffee at him then held the other one over my head and charged towards him. He ducked underneath me and ran out the front door. I dropped the mug and locked and bolted the door. For the next ten minutes, I heard him whispering "Alohomora" from the other side of the door before he asked for his hat back. I shoved it through the letter box and heard him leaving. Suffice to say, I never contacted him again.

— Gail, 21

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