I had known him for ten years, and I couldn't remember a day in my life without him. He was my sister's best friend and was always at my house. It was kind of a joke that I would end up with him. He would always flirt with me. I couldn't help it, I fell in love with him. We would call each every night and talk. It went on for two years without ever really becoming a relationship. Everyone knew I was in love with him, but it was so complicated because I knew he was hooking up with other chicks. I revolved my life around him, even though I risked getting in trouble for it. Like, if I knew he was going to be somewhere, I would show up with my friends just so I could see him. I ended up hooking up with him one night and it was a dream come true. Two days later I found out that, while I was out of town the summer before, my sister had had sex with him. That night I tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital. I thought my life was over. I had never felt a pain so bad. It felt like my heart was literally broken. After that I moved away and didn't talk to my sister for six months. I let a guy come between my sister and me. But back then, I didn't understand that my sister or I was just another hook up to this guy. It was devastating, though. I never thought he could do that because of how close he was to our family. I have recently moved back, and my sister and I now talk. I was hanging out with some mutual friends recently, and he showed up. It was so hard because I still have all the same feelings that I had for him, and he knows this. I got a little drunk and ended up hooking up with him again. Being drunk is not an excuse. I knew what I was doing the whole time. I was just so overwhelmed with all the feelings that were coming back that I just didn't think clearly. I ended up talking to him about everything, and he ended up telling me that he just wanted to have sex with me. I finally knew it was time to stop talking to him completely, and I haven't talked to him since. I miss him so much and I still love him with all of my heart. Every time I think of him I cry. I currently have a boyfriend and he is great. I love him, but I just can't help but to think about my first love. I never understood why everything ended up the way it did, but I have come to terms with it now.
— Marianne, 23