What Drives Her Mad

You left the toilet seat up again. You're hypnotized by the television or that cute girl walking down the street. You just have to adjust your privates in public. (Are you checking they're still there?)

We haven't even gotten started on the litany of stuff that guys do to irk women. Here are some examples you'd better steer clear of.

Your Oh-So-Public Bodily Functions

We admire your body confidence, really we do. We're glad you're comfortable with us. And we understand how indispensable - and apparently, greatly amusing - you think things like burping, farting and nose picking are. But we still find them unnecessary, uncouth and completely rude. And we think you'd agree after the first time you caught us with a manicured finger up our nose.

Your Blatant Unawareness of Basic Household Chores

There is a reason we so strongly abhor wet towels on the floor, stained laundry strewn around and food-encrusted dinner plates left to pile up in the sink - these things are all dirty and eventually will smell. But what really irritates us is the message you're sending with every damp towel, muddy sock and crusty dish: "Such petty chores are your job, woman."

Your Drunken 'Charm'

You drool. You make up ridiculous stories. You paw us awkwardly. And then you promptly pass out, wheezing and snoring, with your nasty lager-soaked breath hot on our faces. That's charming, all right.

Your Selective Hearing

Where did you learn to tune us out so well? It's like your brain is programmed only to pick up certain keywords (like "sex" or "football") and disregard the rest. Maybe we should just start every sentence with, "I'd like a threesome..." Now take out the garbage.

Your Blissful Ignorance

How you can notice when we substitute the fat-free ice cream for the real stuff but not tell that we lightened our hair or lost a few pounds is beyond us. And why do you believe us when we say "nothing's wrong" when everything about our behavior says there is?

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Try These Pickup Lines

  • When God said, "Let there be woman," he created you.
  • Do you have a map? I'm lost in your eyes.
  • I see something sexy, and it's not me this time.
  • I'm not a music teacher, but I can make you sing like a choir.
  • I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated.