1. How healthy is your lifestyle?
I start my day with the breakfast of champions: a pack of cigarettes and two pots o' black coffee. I can't really figure out why I'm so nervous and thin.
Does a regimen of kicking back on the couch with a 12-pack after eating a side of beef count as healthy?
I say, "everything in moderation." I take vitamins for a full-blown hangover, and I'm always workin' on my abs.
They call me Mr. Clean Living. I eat right, work out three times a week, and eat soy products.
Some call me Superman. I take such good care of myself that only something bizarre, like maybe Kryptonite, is apt to take me out.
2. How dangerous is your lifestyle?
My hobbies include bungee jumping, skydiving, snowboarding on Kilimanjaro, etc.
My house is placed precariously on a mountain precipice in Peru. What mudslide?
I'm careful not to break mirrors, walk under ladders, or let black cats cross my path.
I stay in the house most of the time. Sometimes my wife/girlfriend throws a pillow at me.
I live with Saddam in a nuke-proof underground bunker, guarded by special forces.
3. What's your hereditary background?
Our family coat of arms has symbols on it for cancer, stroke, and heart attack.
In our clan, nobody over 60 seems to outfox the Grim Reaper.
You're nuts! I determine my own fate. How long I live has nothing to do with my relatives.
It all evens out. Half of us live to a ripe, old age; the other half lives fast but dies young.
My Grandma Moses lived a life of earthly sin but made it to 110.
4. How long would you like to live?
Life sucks and then you die. Please keep me away from water, ropes, and tall buildings.
I'm not enjoying this gig, and I'm slowly searching for the escape hatch.
It's the quality of life one lives, not the quantity (yeah, right!)
I'd let a heart attack take me in my 70s. I just don't want to be old and crippled and impotent.
Life is shiny and happy and super duper. I'm in for the long haul.
5. How dangerous/stressful is your occupation?
My last name is either Earnhardt or Knieval.
I'm an officer of the law in a big, mean city OR a peacekeeper in the Balkans.
I work 60 hours a week, and my boss is a jerk, but I can take a licking and keep on ticking.
My part-time job is at a library. My wife is the corporate animal who brings home the bacon.
My life is like a permanent vacation. Actually it resembles David Hasselhoff's life but does not include a weekly near-drowning sequence.